All The World's a Stage

I went to one great big costume party yesterday.  Huzzah!

The Creative Call: The End

I have come to the end of the book and this personal Lenten practice. The last chapter is on simplifying one's life; that is, what is one willing to give up personally, materially, and financially to achieve the goal of being a writer or artist. What would I give up? Honestly: nothing at the moment.

This program has not brought me to the place I thought it would take me. I thought I would have my life suddenly break open and I would find myself on a truly productive creative path. In truth, I have not been writing every day. Sometimes I would pick up the pen and write just a sentence before giving up. The emotions on my heart were too heavy and bleak to commit to the harsh intensity of plain paper. Also, I managed to complete only one painting before realizing that my work is unsophisticated, naive, childish and most definitely "not good enough". (Didn't we cover that in chapter 3?).

I thought at the end of this program I would have engaged some more readers with my blog content. How arrogant of me. By attempting to be my own authentic self through my art and writing, I managed to scare off nearly all of my readers (according to my blog stats). The result is that I am now too embarrassed to announce any new postings. The only reason I am continuing to post at all is that I don't want the added humiliation of knowing that I did not complete something I started. I do have a shred of self-respect left.

As I dealt with the emotional crap churned up by the journaling, I managed to irk some of my real-life associates by saying things that needed to be said. This has made me realize I need to re-evaluate some of my relationships both on-line and off-line. If I cannot be truthful and authentic without pissing off people, then what is the authenticity of some of these relationships in the first place? Maybe "simplifying" my life means to eliminate some people and learn to be content with having fewer people in it.

I spent a lot of money on this endeavor. I bought a membership in an online artist association as well as acquiring several books on writing by favorite writers. The jury is still out as to whether any of these will prove to be useful.

Am I saying that this program was a failure? No. On the contrary, I believe I am right where I am supposed to be. The purpose of this as a Lenten practice was to dredge up the toxic crud that has settled in the bottom of my soul so it could be siphoned off and the waters begin to clear. I was foolish and naive to think that years of pain and disappointment would vanish in forty days. It may take the rest of my life for that fountain of pure water to spring up within me.

So where do I go from here? I will keep writing. I will keep arting. I keep ridding myself of all the emotional and spiritual toxicity that has silted up in me.

Easter is a few days away. Maybe I will catch the fire of the day and experience a resurrection of my own.

I can only hope and pray.

ljgloyd
Maundy Thursday, 2012


Image: Lotus in the mud from Morguefile.com