The Creative Call: On Forgiveness

I am quickly moving on to Chapter 4 now on the topic of forgiveness. I could stay in chapter 3 longer as there are a number of exercises that I could do, but the chapter has left me in such a negative frame of mind, I need to get out of there, pronto. Instead, I think I am going move right into chapter 4 and write on it for of several days since I believe that a thorough understanding of this area is going to be vital in my recovery as a creative. It is not going to be easy for me to simply say, "yeah, some of you in my life are been pretty discouraging, but that's okay, I forgive you." No, I am going to have to carefully explore the nature of forgiveness in order to implement it.

The first thing Elsheimer addresses in this chapter is the exact definition of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not saying that the hurt we received was not really all that bad or that the person who did it may not have meant it. Forgiveness is realizing that no matter the reason or circumstances the fact is that others hurt us and that we need to let it go. Elsheimer writes this: "[Forgiveness] is the willingness to move past the offense and to refuse to entertain further thoughts about it. Forgiveness is not just something we grant another person. It is a gift we give ourselves." (Kindle Loc. 914).

So to the individuals who made the statements and actions I cited in the last post, I am letting those go and I am going to strive not to dwell on them any more. You are free, as am I.

Now, I don't harbor any illusions that I won't go back to those hurts. Forgiveness, for me, is going to be a process. I need to forgive, forgive, and forgive again. That may be the reason that in the Lord's Prayer his instruction to "forgive those who trespass against us" is coupled with the request to "give us this day our daily bread." Forgiveness is something we must grant on a daily basis.

Part of the process of forgiveness is to offer positive affirmation to ourselves (and others) when they hit us with negative thoughts. This is an exercise offered in this chapter. The directive is to provide an 'uppity" comeback for a number of discouraging remarks. Here's how I answered the remarks in the exercise (Kindle Loc. 960):

"Downer statement: 'Nobody will take your art seriously.'"
My answer: God and I both take my creative work seriously.

"Downer statement: 'You'll never make a living at your art.;"
My answer: Then I will pay my bills doing something else, but I am still going to make art and write whether I enjoy financial gain or not.

"Downer statement: 'You don't have enough talent to write or be an artist.'"
My answer: Says who? You? You did not create me; therefore, you have no say so about the amount or level of my talent.

So, that's a start. There are several other exercises in this chapter that I will complete in the upcoming days. If appropriate, I'll post them here.

My thanks to those who are following along with this.

Art Journal: Weekend Spread, Do Not Fear Success

This weekend's spread is all ready to receive writing which I think will be white gelly roll on the left side. I don't want to put in any writing on the right, but I'll have to see how much room I need.

The first layer of the background was gesso over blue watercolor crayon followed by several layers of green and blue tissue, art papers, and a computer printout of the female figure. The image is embellished by glitter glue. (I don't fling glitter, I squirt it! :)

Creating the image was a project in itself. I found a vintage image of Mata Hari. I am not particularly interested in Mata Hari herself, but the image presented to me all sorts of possibilities in terms of manipulation and embellishment. It took about an hour to colorize the whole image in Photoshop, resulting in about a dozen layers to achieve the final effect.

So what is this spread about? A couple of weeks ago during a meditation time, the words "Do not fear success" popped into my mind. It was an interesting insight that made me consider that my lack of progress in certain areas of my life may not have anything to do with a fear of failure, but rather from a fear of being successful. This insight is something that I am going to have to give some considered thought.

I debated with myself as to whether I should rephrase the title of the spread into a positive affirmation such as "Welcome Success". But since those were not the words that came to me, I stuck with the original statement.


ljgloyd (c) 2012

In the Studio: Creating a Mixed Media Painting

My thanks to those of you who gave me mostly good feedback on my post of a couple of days ago. The point I was trying to get across is that persevering in achieving a goal is as important, if not more so, than one's psychological frame of mind.

Yesterday, I was fooling around with a visual interpretation of this concept. I decided to document the process of creating the painting in this video. Thank you again for your support.



ljgloyd (c) 2011

I've Never Done Anything Worthwhile in My Whole Life Ever: Thoughts on Positive Affirmations

Last week I was in one of those blue moods that everyone gets now and again where I was reassessing my life and trying to see what, if anything, I had accomplished. I came back to a conclusion that I have articulated many times in the past: "I've never done anything worthwhile in my whole life ever." Yes, I admit that this is a bit over the top. My friend Madame T, a writer in Alabama, laughed at me when I said this to her a while back -- not because it is true, but because, as she said, I was being overly melodramatic. She was right and I have to admit that saying this to myself is not a positive affirmation and certainly could lead me to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Still, though, I caught myself saying this to myself again last week, but this time I decided I would try out a little positive affirmation exercise that I had learned in a mind/body wellness course I took last year. I try to have a "quiet time" of meditation and prayer each morning and last Friday morning I added to my meditation a repetition of the words: "I am a winner. I accomplish every goal I set for myself". I repeated this to myself a number of times until I started to feel a little silly about it. I am not sure if that is because the act of repeating a "mantra" is alien to me or if, deep down, I had trouble accepting the concept that I might actually be successful in achieving a goal.

This particular day I went over to a relative's house to paint a backyard fence that had recently been built. We quickly got started and as I painted I felt myself enjoying the work. It was a beautiful sunny morning. The birds were singing. I was helping someone. All was good.

The painting progressed without hitch...until about two hours into the job and about three feet of fence short of finishing, when I stepped on one of the masonite boards we had been using in place of a drop cloth to protect the concrete in front of the fence. It was like I stepped onto an icy patch of pavement.

I could see myself going down as if in slow motion: my right knee twisting on the masonite board, my left hand outstretching to brace for the fall, the skin on my right elbow peeling off as it scrapped down the raw wood of the fence, and finally my ample backside hitting the ground with a resounding PLOP. I sat there for a moment, simultaneously feeling the pain in various parts of my body, thanking God that I did not hit my head on the concrete or the fence, and suddenly realizing that I, "the winner", had embarrassed myself in front of the entire neighborhood and everyone driving past.

As I hauled my body and bruised ego off the ground, my relative said "I'll finish painting. You go in the house."

"No," I said. "I can finish this." I proceeded to paint the last few feet of fence. I had to use my non-dominant right hand because the pain in my left hand was so bad that I could not hold the brush. My thought at that moment was that if I can finish the job, then I'm not really hurt all that much. It was less of an act of pride and more of an act of denial.

After we finished and cleaned up, I went right home and proceeded to soak myself in a hot epsom salt bath. I assessed my wounds and concluded that it could have been a whole lot worse. My hand was moving again and my scraps were superficial. My knee pained me but I could walk which was all that mattered. My pride, though, was quite wounded, and I felt the irony of my positive affirmation of that morning literally colliding with the reality of a hard patch of ground.

But then it occurred to me: I had finished the job. I had done what I had affirmed that morning: "I accomplish every goal I set for myself." I know it is a cliche' that we when we fall, literally or figuratively, we should "get right up, dust yourself off, and start all over again." These concepts become cliched because they are true.

Just as it took a long and subtle time for me to latch on to the "I'll never do anything worthwhile" idea, so the positive affirmation that I will be successful in all I do may take equally as long. I have to admit that it may take a lot of "stick-to-it-ness" to achieve it.

So, if I have one word to say myself, and to all of you, it is this:

PERSEVERE.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, a Blessed Solstice, and Happy New Year to you all.

ljgloyd (c) 2011

...make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness... II Peter 1:5-6.