Last week I was in one of those blue moods that everyone gets now and again where I was reassessing my life and trying to see what, if anything, I had accomplished. I came back to a conclusion that I have articulated many times in the past: "I've never done anything worthwhile in my whole life ever." Yes, I admit that this is a bit over the top. My friend Madame T, a writer in Alabama, laughed at me when I said this to her a while back -- not because it is true, but because, as she said, I was being overly melodramatic. She was right and I have to admit that saying this to myself is not a positive affirmation and certainly could lead me to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Still, though, I caught myself saying this to myself again last week, but this time I decided I would try out a little positive affirmation exercise that I had learned in a mind/body wellness course I took last year. I try to have a "quiet time" of meditation and prayer each morning and last Friday morning I added to my meditation a repetition of the words: "I am a winner. I accomplish every goal I set for myself". I repeated this to myself a number of times until I started to feel a little silly about it. I am not sure if that is because the act of repeating a "mantra" is alien to me or if, deep down, I had trouble accepting the concept that I might actually be successful in achieving a goal.
This particular day I went over to a relative's house to paint a backyard fence that had recently been built. We quickly got started and as I painted I felt myself enjoying the work. It was a beautiful sunny morning. The birds were singing. I was helping someone. All was good.
The painting progressed without hitch...until about two hours into the job and about three feet of fence short of finishing, when I stepped on one of the masonite boards we had been using in place of a drop cloth to protect the concrete in front of the fence. It was like I stepped onto an icy patch of pavement.
I could see myself going down as if in slow motion: my right knee twisting on the masonite board, my left hand outstretching to brace for the fall, the skin on my right elbow peeling off as it scrapped down the raw wood of the fence, and finally my ample backside hitting the ground with a resounding PLOP. I sat there for a moment, simultaneously feeling the pain in various parts of my body, thanking God that I did not hit my head on the concrete or the fence, and suddenly realizing that I, "the winner", had embarrassed myself in front of the entire neighborhood and everyone driving past.
As I hauled my body and bruised ego off the ground, my relative said "I'll finish painting. You go in the house."
"No," I said. "I can finish this." I proceeded to paint the last few feet of fence. I had to use my non-dominant right hand because the pain in my left hand was so bad that I could not hold the brush. My thought at that moment was that if I can finish the job, then I'm not really hurt all that much. It was less of an act of pride and more of an act of denial.
After we finished and cleaned up, I went right home and proceeded to soak myself in a hot epsom salt bath. I assessed my wounds and concluded that it could have been a whole lot worse. My hand was moving again and my scraps were superficial. My knee pained me but I could walk which was all that mattered. My pride, though, was quite wounded, and I felt the irony of my positive affirmation of that morning literally colliding with the reality of a hard patch of ground.
But then it occurred to me: I had finished the job. I had done what I had affirmed that morning: "I accomplish every goal I set for myself." I know it is a cliche' that we when we fall, literally or figuratively, we should "get right up, dust yourself off, and start all over again." These concepts become cliched because they are true.
Just as it took a long and subtle time for me to latch on to the "I'll never do anything worthwhile" idea, so the positive affirmation that I will be successful in all I do may take equally as long. I have to admit that it may take a lot of "stick-to-it-ness" to achieve it.
So, if I have one word to say myself, and to all of you, it is this:
PERSEVERE.
Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, a Blessed Solstice, and Happy New Year to you all.
ljgloyd (c) 2011
...make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness... II Peter 1:5-6.
